Here is everything I know about Kingdom Hearts, via pop cultural osmosis.

Sometimes your heart just nopes out and turns into a creepy little gremlin thing called a Heartless, scampering off to cause mayhem.  Without your heart, your body turns into a hot anime character called a Nobody, but only if you’re plot relevant.  This is bad and should be stopped probably.  Donald and Goofy are there.

The main character is Sora.  There are five hundred different versions of him, such as Evil Sora, Past Sora, Evil Past Sora, Digital Sora, Coma Sora, and Girl Sora.  Some of these Soras might actually be the same Sora.  Some of them might not be Sora?  I think they end up swapping memories and bodies a lot, so they might not know either.

Sora lives on a island with his two best friends, Sasuke and Sexy Lamp.  Sexy Lamp has the power to break all the established rules of the worldbuilding and cure Heartless and Nobodies.  You would think she uses this power a lot, but the plot says she’s not allowed to do things.  Sasuke is Sora’s boyfriend.  The three of them participate in exciting activities such as building boats and saving Sexy Lamp from bad guys.

Evil Sora lives in a clock tower with his best friends, Girl Sora and Anime Hair.  Anime Hair is the dad friend.  The three of them participate in exciting activities such as eating ice cream and world domination.  They are the fandom’s favorites, probably because they’re Found Family.

Past Sora lives in some kind of scarred battlefield with his two best friends, Himbo and Best Girl.  Himbo becomes evil later, and it’s very tragic.  The three of them participate in exciting activities such as fighting a futile battle against the overpowering inner darkness clawing like an acid at Himbo’s psyche, and like, probably martial arts tournaments or something.

The bad guys are Organization XIII.  They wear cool robes to hide their anime hair.  There are significantly more than thirteen of them.  They participate in exciting activities such as hanging out in castles, schisming under massive internal coups, and sitting in chairs where their feet can’t reach the ground.  Their evil goal is to take over the moon.

The leader of Organization XIII is a guy named Xehanort, who has the power to Nort people.  No one has been able to adequately explain to me what Norting is.  There are also five hundred versions of him, such as Old Xehanort, Baby Xehanort, Boat Xehanort, Amnesia Xehanort, Sasuke Xehanort, Himbo Xehanort, and Ansem.  Xehanort changes the backstory on his character sheet every time he thinks of something cooler, so his true past is shrouded in retcons.  He and Sora are sworn enemies who must kill each other’s doubles until only one remains, and this is the plot of Kingdom Hearts.

Hey, if anybody wants to watch me fail to understand the plot of Kingdom Hearts, that’s a liveblog I’m gonna be doing.